I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
