Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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