good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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