Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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