I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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