C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
