: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
