my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How external is "for external use only"?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
