I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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