I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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