i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
