Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
