News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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