there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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