I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
