Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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