I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
