hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
