As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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