When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
