I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize