there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
