I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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