i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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