Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
