I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
