She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
