babies were throwing up all over the place
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
