My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
