There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
