the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My liver just had a heart attack.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
