I'm pants shitting drunk right now
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
