Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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