she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
