Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
