i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
