my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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