so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize