If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
