she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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