She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
