I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
