The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
