I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
