I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
