hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize