I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
