At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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