She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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