Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
