Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
