i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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