If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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