just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
