im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize