Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
