is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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