"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
