So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
